if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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