On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
When did angry sex become our thing?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
