Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
