Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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