Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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