i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
