I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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