So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
