I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
