Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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