funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
