Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
my shit smells like andre
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
