batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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