Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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