Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
