tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
