Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
