So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
