Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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