He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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