some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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