He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
