So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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