Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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