So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
