What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
