Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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