So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
