I met the friendliest cop last night
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
