Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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