i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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