These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
