jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
