Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Randomize
