I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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