I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
