The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
