every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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