I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
