There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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