I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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