Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
