hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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