I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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