So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
