Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
