doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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