im drinking this country out of the recession.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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