My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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