so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
