genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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